Terrible Two’s
By Joseph Lindo
You are lulled into a sense of ease when your child reaches about 6 months. By this time, usually your child sleeping well through the night, you look at them as they look idyllic in their beds. Your child is also able to sit in a high chair, can amuse themselves with play and are enthralled with mum and dad's gaze and smile; to many, parenting at this stage appears easy and there is no way of appreciating just what lies ahead.
The next day however (well it seems like it anyway) your entire world is tipped upside down; your toddler has become negative and seems to object to everything you ask; the slightest upset sends them into a tantrum, why, because the terrible twos have kicked in.
Although many parents don't expect the terrible twos to start until their toddler is two years old, it is important to note that it can begin anytime during your child's second year, and so anytime after their first birthday, and unfortunately, sometimes even before. Child care experts have identified some ways in which children try to exert their power over their parents:
· Storming: This toddler has a tantrum and watches her parents cave in. This is very powerful in public places.
· Negotiator: This clever toddler tries to make one-sided deals with adults.
· The Persuader: This youngster will annoy Mum or Dad until he gets his way.
· Guilt Card: This toddler uses a technique that works especially well with single or working mums: "Why can't I have such and such? You're such a bad parent!"
The Sting: This little one sets up one parent to unknowingly challenge the other.
Some parents may question whether this stage in a child’s development really exists and may begin to question their (or others) ability to control their children. No matter how good your parenting skills are though (and there are no perfect parents) children will need to go through this difficult developmental phase.
So what exactly is going on?
Two-year-olds are very busy and have amazingly inquisitive minds; they are also blessed with long-life batteries and cursed with the need to drain them. They are excited about their newfound abilities; they can run, jump, open, close, smash, and sort — and believe in lots of practice, but they don’t understand what is ‘safe or harmful’, ‘good or bad’, ‘right or wrong’; this in the main is because they have not had the experience yet; therefore to them the world is to be explored. This exploration into all things give them the storehouse of knowledge that they will eventually need to help them determine what is acceptable and what is not, what will give them pleasure or what will cause them pain, objects mean nothing to them until they can put them into some type of context – if I touch it it doesn’t hurt, it is soft and slightly wet and gooey, it doesn’t seem to have a smell and its got a type of chewy texture – why is mum trying to take it from me – what do you mean I cant eat worms!!! Emotionally, your toddler is very self-centred and demanding. They want what they want, and they want it now! And why not? You've just spent at least a year catering to their every need, thereby proving to them that they the most important beings on the planet. Why shouldn't they still get what they want now that they a little older?
It's only when the child experiences the object can they determine its value. Value to the two-year-old is usually the pleasure an object can bring to the child and not its function. Pleasure is derived from touch, taste, sight, sound and scent. Some things are pleasurable and "fun", while others offer neither amusement nor any particular pleasure. Some items, like the taste of a sour lemon, may cause displeasure and children soon learn to avoid these.
Toddlers have their tantrums because they can't express themselves properly; they also have difficulties expressing how they feel about the world around them. This is often characterized by toddlers being negative about most things and often saying 'no', having frequent mood changes and temper tantrums; in addition there is often a lot of screaming, wailing, howling, crying and gnashing of teeth. Frustration, tiredness and hunger among other things can cause tantrums as your child tries to communicate with you but does not have the skills to do so. Your child's limited vocabulary begins to grow from 18 to 300 words into complete sentences; however this is still not quite enough to make themselves fully understood. Therefore when your child wants your attention they will scream to get it. Your toddler's world is very small and thus the number of people they feel secure with is also limited. Any major changes in your life like a new baby, a full-time job, moving house or getting new childcare, has a major impact upon them. Your child may be acting like a monster, but still they need love and assurance.
Your child is also having a dependence/independence battle with themselves; for the past eighteen months to two years they have been totally devoted to you and followed you everywhere. Suddenly however they want to stand on their own two feet and assert their independence. Much of this behaviour is reserved for you as a primary caregiver. However, siblings or other children may feel the brunt of their anger if they touch their possessions or otherwise annoy them.
Is there a solution?
To help you cope with this normal stage in your child's development, you should always remember, your child isn't trying to be defiant or rebellious on purpose. They are just trying to express their growing need to be independent and they don't as yet have the language skills to easily express their needs. As soon as your child learns to talk, the tantrums will ease. Right now, toddlers need to be taught how to deal with their emotions and how to tell you what they want. If your child is anxious and insecure, the more likely they are to have tantrums; remember your toddler is still very much attached to you. You're the main source of security and anything that takes away your attention - which your child may have enjoyed exclusively until now - is unsettling.
There is a lot of advice and information available from a variety of sources on methods of dealing with your child’s tantrums. Here are just five methods of dealing with the situation:
Control the Storm
· When out shopping for example let your child help.
· Be proactive, have a bag of tricks to keep your child occupied while you’re busy doing other things.
Ensure that you have food available - snacks and a drink so that if out are out you are not caught of guard.
Negate Negotiation
· Don't try to talk your child out of it. The attention tends to make the tantrum last longer.
· Don't ask what is the matter; in a fury; your toddler won't know therefore can't say, so leave it.
· Don't launch into rational explanations as to why you can't do whatever is being demanded.
If the tantrum has already started, do not respond to it; say matter-of-factly 'I see you're having a tantrum. That's not OK; let me know when you're done.' And you walk away. Tantrums and whining are not forms of communication, and if you respond to them, they become forms of communication.