CLEARING THE TUBES                                       Richard J B Willis

The US writer and humorist Ambrose Bierce seemed to have a low opinion of musical instruments, referring to the accordian as 'An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin'.  Writing of the piano, he said that it was 'A parlour utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor.  It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience'.

One wonders what Bierce thought of the bagpipes, but perhaps he had only a slight acquaintance with them.  No doubt, in the light of a Report in the Piper and Drummer, he might have taken an equally ascerbic line.  The pipes have been blamed for a variety of problems from deafness to marital break-ups.

The first of these is understandable with the noise level from a single chanter reaching 122 decibels.  Robert Wallace, Principal of the College of Piping in Glasgow is dismissive.  In spite of the estimate that fifty percent of the pipers surveyed admitted having hearing loss and repetitive strain injuries, Wallace says that all good pipers take care not to play loudly in confined spaces and they play their instruments in such a way that their hearing is not affected.  Such loss as there might be is more likely to result from close proximity to drums which might do more damage than pipes.

One in ten of the pipers said that their intimate attachment to the pipes in practice and formally had led to marital breakdown, though the Report does not specify where the pipes were played!  Interestingly, none of the pipers owned up to being alcoholic, but eighty-four percent of them knew pipers who were!  Whether or not these were the survivors of the broken marriages was also not reported.  Wallace admits that the men like a drink - after all, blowing the pipes is thirsty work - but says that the piper's drinking is no different from that of any other club members.

Much of the popular image of the piper, Wallace says, is stereotypical and stems from an old music-hall act which depicted a drunken piper.  It is easy, states Wallace, to make fun of the piper and his instrument, but, he stresses, you cannot play the pipes if you are drunk.  Since William Shakespeare speaks of those who 'laugh like parrots at a bagpiper' (The Merchant of Venice), and the Scots themselves believe that 'Twelve Highlanders and a bagpipe make a rebellion', who are we not to chuckle at the thought of pipers clearing the tubes?

Forgive me if I have a somewhat jaundiced view of the pipes.  It relates to our trying to get to sleep in our apartment, after a late and tiring arrival in Malta some years ago.  We were awakened at 2.00 am by our Scots neighbour playing Amazing Grace on his bagpipes!

Whatever Bierce might have written about the pipes I think I would have agreed with him!